Parenting and teenage children (1/5): The fathers and the rules

Often some problems of adolescents may be due to the pale fathers, or those fathers who desert their role leaving a void in children, who may be led to antisocial and narcissistic behavior.
Instead of a figure of the past fathers was to authoritarian and uncompromising fathers, too present in the child's life in the hope of making their own clones.

Fathers in crisis
The crisis of the fathers may be linked to the difficulty of being real men today, where there is the need to use brute force to defend the offspring.
The role of the mother, ever more present in the world of work, one can question the authority figure of the father.
The father figure for the child embodies the power of conception (Freud), is a figure linked to the company and for this reason, if the company (or government authority) is failing in its duties towards citizens, these bring into question his role of authorities, and consequently also that of the father lost value.
For this reason, he lost this authority, the father makes up taking the role of the mother at the affective level.
According to Fornari, the father is seen as the cause of the mother's pain in childbirth, and this is perceived as a god of death, whose purpose is to protect in times of war, but with the advent of nuclear weapons even this role He has been lost.

The construction of fatherhood
The construction of today's paternity is in full transformation, such as inciting parents unless their children to give them grandchildren, and now have a child is no longer seen as a gift to their parents, but a gesture of love for partner.
Another difference from the past is that today's fathers come into contact with their children long before a time, even during pregnancy by ultrasound.
The fathers now attend the birth and are in touch with their child, and that in some cases can even lead to a love of their child (of engrossment syndrome).
The child then begins to urge his father to take care of the best, and you can tell that the father is the son of his son, since the child is actively contributing to make it his father, also, the baby is born and then in his father's mind to following the problems raised by the woman and child.

The new father
The father of today is less prescriptive and more emotional, is satisfying the needs of the child supporting his affective and relational growth, rather than the ethical one like he used to.
It is no longer a tyrant and strict father, but a defender of the dreams and needs of the child, and you obey out of love and not for fear of punishment.
The father has the task of helping the child to process the separation from the mother and her child's world, and to find their adult sexual identity.
According Jeammet, the father guarantees the separation and prevents incest, off the umbilical cord of the child with the mother and this allows the child to begin to learn about the company.
The father also serves as a norm, sets limits to the immediate needs of the child, protecting it from narcissism and getting used to the comparison with others.
The lack of a father figure can to close the teenager in his childhood world for fear of growing up, can make it brittle and soggiogabile by others, can trigger antisocial behavior for the sole purpose of attracting attention.

Different fathers and several children
Fathers, too, are aware that their figure is seen by children no longer as an example to follow (to succeed his father), but as a support, and therefore are no longer so attractive figures.
This results in children a prolonged adolescence, with more and more thin and indistinct borders, and above all making it a much less confrontational period.

Than before the father is more attentive to the emotional world of the child, she does not cover more than just passively to its growth, and by their children have advanced more intimacy and privacy requests, showing a desire for autonomy.
There seems to be a less dramatic by the father regarding the sanctity of the traditions and values, and a dramatization of the fact that children are more time outside the home.

The fathers point out that their children always han most critical and impatience with their actions, and this is interpreted as an attempt by the child to assert its point of view.
Fathers seem to avoid the challenge and conflict and prefer to bargain with the teenager, and are worried when they do not listen to their advice to follow those of the group, because they consider them too young and inexperienced to take on the world, but on the other hand, they regard this thing also as a gesture of maturity and autonomy.
In general, adolescence does not stimulate the father the need to create new rules, rather stimulates them to increase control over the time spent outside the home and scholastic achievement.

The rule management
The kitchen is a place where everyone gathers for a few minutes, where, however, often draw up the rules of family life, and where his father shares with his wife decision-making power.
The children the basic points are addressed once established the rules, so they can be aware of the things that disturb the peace of the family and that they can have their say, and in the end you decide together.

The father seems to fill the role of mediator between the mother and son regarding the enforcement of rules decided together, and its intent is to explain to his son where he went wrong, trying to tone down, if necessary.
Today the father does not want to punish, and when it does it is usually repentant and cancels the punishment, and feels that the mother is more severe than him and that therefore the children han more afraid of her.

Today's fathers are different from the past, want to enforce the rules but at the same time they are afraid to break the relationship with their children, they also want them to shelter from the arrogance of the values ​​of the past, do not want them to educate severely as son were educated them, why they can identify with them.
Today he has a father willing to listen, he wants to discuss with one's child, and so explains the rules and values ​​the importance of dialogue in the family, also the father allows his son to correct it if it is wrong, in full respect of the values ​​of democracy and equality.

The first violation of a rule, we tend to let it go, or to reason with his son, but did not find the fight for fear of losing the feeling that you have with him.
Another method is to rewards and punishments, where we try to make happy his son to make him much time as possible at home.
This method is primarily used to monitor the two aspects that parents consider important: school performance and adherence to schedules (the latter factor is closely related to the competition between the natural and social family to family).
When these factors are repeatedly violated, the parent decides to punish his son, but not with corporal punishment as it was used at one time, but depriving him of what he loves, such as television.

The function of the rules
It seems that the father does not want to convey special messages of values ​​with the rules, and in their speeches fathers do not speak of immutable and universal principles.
They seem absent the strong values ​​of the past, such as religion, politics, social commitment.
So the standard is only an instrumental value, serves to allow the coexistence of people and to ensure the good quality of the relationship, also, sexuality is not a matter of law-making and not even the power, since no one seems to want it.
So the main purpose of the rules is that of a quiet life in the home, and learn how to be comfortable in the family serves cmq to feel good with others, outside, although this aspect is only considered for the future (always for the fact that fathers would like to keep their kids at home as long as possible).
Given the emotional relationship and not authoritarian today's parents, compliance with the rules is more related to not wanting to hurt the parents rather than the fear of being subjected to a punishment.
But when it comes to a serious quarrel, the breakdown of a relationship, the father is disappointed and the son feels a sense of inadequacy and shame for having betrayed the trust of his father.

Next lesson >>

Back to the list of lessons